


never enough for her

by starsandfluff



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Gen, basically just making eleanor sad, eleanor-centric, flashbacks to young eleanor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25589125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandfluff/pseuds/starsandfluff
Summary: Eleanor's thought process during her conversation with Michael in s3ep6 and flashbacks to Young Eleanor.
Relationships: Donna Shellstrop/Doug Shellstrop (mentioned), Eleanor Shellstop & Michael (The Good Place) (mentioned), Eleanor Shellstrop & Donna Shellstrop
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	never enough for her

**Author's Note:**

> never written for the good place before so i hope you like it! this is really just making eleanor sad. the bold text is the original conversation between eleanor and michael

**_“Come on, Eleanor. I changed, you changed. Maybe she changed, too.”_ **

Eleanor watched her mom up on that stand. Bad jokes and empty promises about wanting to help kids improve and whatever.

Were people really believing this shit? This “Diana Tremaine” who wanted to be some PTA mom.

There was absolutely no way that this was real.

**_“No. No way.”_ **

Donna Shellstrop was an awful person and a horrible mother. She wasn’t the type of person to run for PTA board, she was the crazy woman running from any situation in her life that might involve commitment.

She was the kind of person to spend early mornings at the bar, not at some school meeting.

She couldn’t have changed. It wasn’t possible.

**_“Why can’t you accept that she might be living a good, honest life?”_ **

“Okay, Todd’s on his way over, you know what to, right?” Her mom asked.

Eleanor nodded.

“Make sure he doesn’t see you taking the money out of his wallet, okay?”

“Okay.”

Eleanor didn’t understand why she had to keep doing this. Other kids at school complained about normal things their parents made them do like chores. No one ever complained about pickpocketing.

The doorbell rang. Her mom smoothed out her tight dress and took a long sip of her wine.

She went to answer the door. “Don’t get in the way, Eleanor, we don’t need you annoying us.”

 _Annoying them?_ She repeated to herself, stunned.

_You...think I’m annoying?_

Eleanor turned her back as she held back tears. She wasn’t going to cry, it would only make her mom angry. It would only _annoy_ her.

She took a deep breath, trying to clear her mind.

 _She thinks I’m annoying._ The thought still flickered in her head.

But Eleanor tucked it away. 

It couldn’t be true, she’d tell herself. But deep down, those words still stung.

Eleanor turned back towards the couple and put on a fake smile, ready to do the task her mom had set her out to do.

 _At least she thinks I’m useful._ Eleanor thought.

**_“That she’s an attentive partner…”_ **

Eleanor stares down at her shaking hands. She presses them firmly to her ears, but it's no use. There’s no drowning out the sounds coming from the next room.

Her parents shouted louder this time and Eleanor felt her heart beating rapidly. She slammed her eyes shut, trying to teleport herself anywhere but here.

 _It’s almost over._ She said to herself. But not even Eleanor could make Eleanor believe that.

A jarring crash interrupted her thoughts. She turned her head instinctively towards the source as her parents’ arguing seemed to halt. 

The house was still except for the tinkling of broken glass.

Her mom shouted, breaking the silence. “A FUCKING WINE BOTTLE! WHAT THE FUCK, DOUG?!”

And it started again. Just like she could remember from countless times before.

It was never really over.

**_“...and a good mom?”_ **

It was a hot day. Eleanor had been sitting on a pillow in front of the TV when her mom walked into the room.

“Your dog Max is dead in a duffle bag under the deck.” Her mom said plainly. No emotion in her voice only...irritation.

Eleanor still didn’t quite understand what her mom meant by ‘dead,’ but she didn’t bring it up again.

“The point is don’t be sad. Honestly, I’ll get kind of annoyed if you do get sad cause it’s been a very long day…” Her mom trailed off on an angry rant about work.

_Max is dead. Don’t be sad._

_Don’t be sad._

Her mom’s words echoed in her chest. 

“Now, let’s celebrate that dead dog’s life by bringing mommy another bottle of white.”

Eleanor got up and walked to the kitchen.

 _Don’t be sad._ She repeated to herself. 

Eleanor still didn’t quite understand what was happening around her, but she was sure those three words had to be important. So she kept that lesson tucked close to her heart, reminding herself every so often what her mom told her she should feel when something was ‘dead.’

**_“Because I wanted that mom!”_ **

“Mommy! Look! I made a drawing of us!” Eleanor gleefully raised the paper up high.

Her mom nodded dismissively and took a sip of wine. Eleanor frowned and tilted her head, confused. She hadn’t even looked.at it.

Donna’s eyes perked up at the sight of their newly single neighbor.

She shoved her glass towards Eleanor. “Take this, sweetie. Mommy has some business to attend to.”

She walked out the door without a single glance back at her.

Eleanor stood in the living room, completely alone, her drawing hanging weakly at her side. Just moments ago, Eleanor was so excited to show it off, but now, what did it even matter?

Her mom didn’t think it mattered, so obviously, it didn’t.

She looked down at the drawing—her mom and her in the park holding hands. It was a lie. A complete and utter lie. That had never happened. Her mom had never cared that much about her.

Eleanor crumpled the paper and ran towards the trash can to throw it away. She took a deep breath and sighed.

That wasn’t her mom.

She looked out the window and watched as her neighbor and her mom drew with chalk on the sidewalk.

Eleanor could feel her heart begin to race. Thoughts poured into her brain alarmingly quickly and all she really wanted to do was scream.

_Why isn’t my mom like that? Why does she get that mom? It’s because she’s better, isn’t it? She’s a better daughter and that’s why her mom loves her so much. I...I just have to be better—I just have to do better and then mom will love me._

_Then I’ll be happy._

_Then everything will be fine._

**_“I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks instead of just telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald’s ball pit.”_ **

Eleanor sat at the lunch table, eating the sandwich she had to make for herself.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Izzie asked Hope.

Hope shrugged. “My mom makes me an afternoon snack anyway, it’s fine.”

“Ooh! My mom sometimes gives me oreos after school.” Izzie said cheerfully.

“Lucky!” Hope said. “I usually get apple slices and some crackers. Eleanor, what snack does your mom make?”

Eleanor looked up, startled. “Oh...um, same as you.” The lie came stuttering out of her mouth.

The conversation moved onto another topic and school week came and went.

But that lunch still lingered in her mind.

_Does everyone else get an afternoon snack?_

_Does everyone else casually talk about their moms like nothing is wrong?_

_Does everyone else...have a good mom?_

Eleanor’s hands start shaking.

_Maybe they’re all just better than me. Maybe I’ll never be good enough for her._

**_“Why does Patricia get that mom?”_ **

Eleanor absentmindedly played with the food on her plate as her mom went on and on about how much she cared about this town.

 _What a show._ She thought.

“Also, there’s a pretty great kid who goes to this school, and I wanna make this place great for her. 

Eleanor’s face dropped.

She couldn’t remember a single time in her life her mom had ever called her a ‘pretty great kid.’ 

Not a single time her mom bragged about her to the neighbors. Or even time her mom had complimented her or cheered her on.

And now she’s suddenly alive? And running for the PTA board? What universe was this?

 _‘I wanna make this place great for her.’_ The words echoed in her head.

_For her._

_For her._

Patricia was enough for her mom to care and to change. But Eleanor wasn’t.

She’d never been enough for her.

Her shit childhood _always_ had the option to be perfectly great. Her mom _always_ could have changed. She just didn’t.

But Patricia got that life. Patricia got that mom. Patricia got _everything_.

It just wasn’t fair.

“Stand up, sweetheart.” Donna said.

Patricia stood, smiling, and waved to the audience.

Anger bubbled up inside Eleanor, but she didn’t only feel angry. She wasn’t just resentful that Patricia got the childhood she always dreamed of.

It was _miserable_ and flat out humiliating to watch her own mother gush about Patricia and truly care so much about her.

And yes, it was selfish, she knew that. Eleanor had always been selfish.

But this was so much more than jealousy.

Donna looked at Patricia standing there like she was the light of her life. She’d never looked at Eleanor like that. Eleanor was just Eleanor. An errand girl, an annoyance, a roommate, whatever.

Eleanor was _never_ enough for her.

**_“If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, but I just wasn’t worth changing for.“_ **

Tomorrow was Eleanor’s 16th birthday. And her parents couldn’t give a shit.

She just needed to accept it. Accept one more year of her parents’ forgetting their own daughter’s existence.

Tomorrow would just be a reminder of that constant fact. The fact that she needed to do things on her own. Fuck parents, fuck friends. She was the only person she could ever count on. And tomorrow she’d give herself the best birthday present she could imagine—freedom.

Eleanor stood in the middle of the hallway and sighed. No matter how many years of disappointment passed by, it still hurt.

Eleanor could hear her mom talking to someone on the phone through the door. Probably talking about something more important than her own child.

“Make sure the cake’s vanilla, that’s her favorite.”

Eleanor paused, her eyes widening in shock. Despite herself, Eleanor couldn’t stop a flicker of hope from breaking down the walls she’d been building her whole life.

She remembered. She really remembered.

Eleanor didn’t know what to do or what she was ever feeling. Her hands started shaking in pure surprise.

Her mom... _cared._

And that meant…

Maybe the stack of paperwork sitting in her room never had to be signed. Maybe today was the day things really changed. Maybe Eleanor wouldn’t have to be both the parent and the child anymore. Maybe, for once, she could be happy—normal, even. Just like everyone else and their picture-perfect families. They wouldn’t all be better than her now. 

This...this was really happening.

“How old is Carol now anyway? Wow, yikes.” Her mom’s laugh echoed throughout the house.

Eleanor’s face dropped. Her arms fell to her side, defeated.

_Of course._

Of course her own mother wouldn’t remember her birthday. Of course her mother would care about some random fucking lady over her daughter. Of course this was happening. Of course the only time Eleanor let herself feel a little bit of hope, everything _immediately_ went to shit. Of course.

She hurried to her room and grabbed the emancipation papers, grasping on to them as if they were the only thing in the world.

Her mom didn’t care. Her dad didn’t care. And none of that would ever change.

No one else mattered except for herself.

Eleanor was always going to be alone. She would never let anyone break down her walls _ever_ again. 

And that would _never_ change.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
